We missed you.

thankful for my year of growth
I didn't sit down this morning intending to post. I actually just wanted to eat some greek yogurt with granola to kill a little bit of time before taking the boys back to the meeting spot. They rushed up here just in time to say their good byes to their mumu. A part of me wants to well up and the other part of me is so much at peace finally.

This has been a year hasn't it???

I realize how much I wasn't a match with someone and we separated.
I found my voice and I learned how to use it.
I learned how to say no I'm not interested and not feel guilt.
I learned how to take care of myself.
I met and fell in love with the most amazing human I think I've ever met.
I learned how to manage anxiety with out meds.
I learned how to cry and let others cry.
had a car accident
learned UNIX - changed a 12 year Microsoft career just to keep a job
Herniated a few more discs in my neck
working on starting a photography business
registered my domain name shawnmilesphoto.com
moved to paradise (Oak Harbor)
made peace with my demons about my mom
sat with my mom so she wouldn't have to die alone. (that was so important to me)

and this morning realized with tears in my eyes as I watched the news I won't be alone on Christmas morning because I have someone who loves me. because I decided a year ago that I wasn't going to volunteer to be a victim anymore and I was going to see my therapist to work out my shit until I was ready for the certain someone. I wasn't going to settle for the first person that paid attention to me ( boy did I do a good job because there were a few guys between him and super K). I love my therapist. I worked so fucking hard to get here. I faced a lot of demons and made a lot of choices. I so deserve to have this dream of mine.

I couldn't be more at peace then I am today.

What makes it sting just a little, my mom can't see me happy, she always use to say how worried she was for me. Operagal called and said they always watch over us. I hope she's right. My hope is that my mom gets to come back and be with her soul mate with all the lessons learned. My hope is her life will be brighter and better.

Knowing what I know about bipolar disorders, her childhood and thinking about everything she went through I'm so proud to be her daughter. She could have stayed on welfare. She could have given up and we could have all stayed in Philly ended up on drugs or teenage parents like all of our friends, worse in gangs in jail, who knows.

She took us to the Philadelphia Art Museums on the free days and educated us on all the art shows, took us to all the out door concerts. She educated us in all the fine arts for free because she worked three minimum wage jobs to support us while she went to school to get a job in mental health social services. She had her demons and I know I've talk about the ugly between us. Yes she made her choices. She also decided to keep us, raise us and get off of welfare, educate us and keep us safe.

I still believe to this day she was an undiagnosed bipolar as well as ADD and that's why there was the shit between us. She did get counciling and it all stopped just before my sister came along. I really want to write a book that will help people. People aren't bad, they are stuck in their disorders I believe.

I believe our society puts such a stigma around these disorders that it makes it humiliating for a person to get help. Especially my mothers generation. I could see the shame in her face when I told her I was diagnosed with being bi-polar. She said right off the bat, "you didn't get it from me". We fought over it several times. I just carry a small twinge of guilt and when I see my psychologist I'm going to ask the question, if a person is bi-polar and they go left untreated will it contribute to deterioration in their health care? I just feel like she was one of the people that slipped through the cracks because we just didn't know enough.

If she had just one doctor and lived with just one person her quality would have been so much more.

I know it's all in the past. I know I can't do anything about it now. I didn't have the strength to do anything about it then.

I just think if I write about it now I might be able to help someone out there. This is something I'm going to think on.

It's a good day, my stress is 150% less.

I need to go buy jeans for the oldest boy and take them to the meeting spot. Go hug someone you love.

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